I’ve been a victim of my own decisions lately

Why was I waiting for someone to come along and help me figure it out?

You know the ones they jam down our throats, trick us into believing we aren’t anything unless we have one. They don’t exist. The big strong hero, like out of a movie, that would gallop in, sweep me up, and ride me off into a shiny, sparkly future full of happiness and peace and continuity. I thought if I just happened to be somewhere at the right time and place, if I was lucky enough, then everything would just fall into place. All of my fears and insecurities would just melt away and cover up all of these indiscretions and atrocities that I’ve committed and just like magic, I’d be a person I liked.

Well, that hasn’t happened. My past is still littered with those atrocities I wear them on my outside – just like scars disturb what used to be unmarked skin. I’m cautious with my heart, anxious and I’m still trying my best not to fall apart, not wanting to disappoint everyone around me. Substances pass through my lips, up my nose, and still, I can’t seem to reconcile how I feel about the one person I need to learn to live with.

Tracing my hand over the nubs on the cold concrete wall, I turned the corner and a brightly lit staircase laid in front of me, bright enough to force my hand to shield my eyes. The contrast of light on dark is enough to stop me in my tracks. Have I died? Is this heaven? ‘Sully, you fucking idiot, you’re not dead’ I mumble crudely to myself, shaking my head. I’m half-cut and my lack of inhibition is allowing me to edge closer to the staircase. I hear the calling of arcade games, their dings, and pings growing louder as I ascend the stairs one at a time, steadily keeping my eyes locked on the peak of the last step.

I’ve been a victim of my own decisions lately. I’ve fallen once or twice and woken up a different me. I have nobody to blame but my own self. I put it down to poor habits and a lack of thoughtful discipline. I should know better, but I’ve got nothing to lose, so I keep edging closer and closer towards the room full of strangers…